Lovemaking.

I like using the term lovemaking when talking about sex in marriage. Any two consenting adults can have sex, but it takes committed-for-life marriage partners to make love.

Lovemaking comforts because it releases tension. A backrub is good for tense bodies, a sexual release even better. God was ingenious in His creation. Through our lovemaking we can create life, experience one-flesh intimacy and deep knowledge, enjoy deep pleasure, and even comfort each other in times of stress or sorrow.

These are just a few of the benefits of lovemaking. But of course, before you reap the rewards, you have to prepare the fields for harvest, so to speak.

Here are a few things that help:

1. Understand Passion
Passion ebbs and flows, and there are times when sex becomes routine for married couples. But if you chase excitement, you chase the wind. What you have to look for is meaning. Passion is not only a hot and tingling feeling. In fact, passion can be a person . . . your spouse. One of the definitions of passion according to Dictionary.com is: “a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.”

How would our view of lovemaking change if we focused not on the feelings, emotions, or result, but instead on the person—our spouse?

You do a lot of things with your spouse, including sex, not because you’re aroused or sexually stimulated but because you love your spouse. The good thing is that once the party starts, the arousal soon follows.

According to Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus, the authors of Intimate Issues, “The Hebrew word for ‘sexual intercourse’ is the word ‘to know.’ Through God’s gift of sex, a husband and wife receive an intimate knowing of one another that they have with no one else.”

So while the connection and physical sensations are a bonus, true passion comes from our knowing another person like no other, and their knowing of us. This is something to be passionate about.

2. Be Available
The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 that we are not to deny our mate the benefit of our body for sex. You wouldn’t want your spouse to become vulnerable toward another, would you? And your relationship will be smoother in all areas if he or she is sexually satisfied.

When we marry, we actually participate in a gift exchange. The wife gives the gift of her body to her husband, and he gives the gift of his body to her. Each gives up the right to his or her own body and turns that authority over to the other. This is an awesome concept. Sadly, we quickly learn that one of the easiest ways to hurt our mate is to withhold the gift of our bodies. But God makes it clear that we do not have this right.

I don’t know about you, but when I give someone a present, I give the best gift when I know that person and what makes him or her light up. The same is true when spouses take time to understand male and female differences. (Or take time to understand and appreciate your spouse if they don’t fit in the typical mold.)

For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage.

Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved—in fact, he can’t feel completely loved without it.

Likewise it helps for men to understand what makes a woman tick. Here are a few truths from the book For Men Only:

Truth #1. She has a lower sex drive than you—and she’d change that fact if she could.
Truth #2. She needs more warm-up time than you.
Truth #3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you are) does not by itself turn on her body.
Truth #4. For her, sex starts in her heart.


3. Plan It.
Once my friend and I were chatting about sexual intimacy, and she was complaining about lack of time in her day.
“It’s easy,” I told her, “plan time for sex just like you plan to brush your teeth at night. You wouldn’t go to sleep without brushing, would you?”

You should have seen her jaw drop. Yes, sex does take more time than brushing your teeth. And, no, I personally can’t claim I follow as rigorous a schedule. But the benefits to regular lovemaking are similar to those that come with brushing or flossing—like your dentist says, it’s the daily care and maintenance that makes all the difference. And truly, when we look at our day, we make time and place priorities on a wide variety of things . . . why not sex?

“In marriage, sex is the spice that rescues our relationships from becoming mundane pursuits of chores. Adult life is filled with responsibilities. We have mortgages to pay, yard work to maintain, laundry to clean, cars to service, and so on,” says Bill and Pam Farrel, authors of Red Hot Monogamy. “But none of us got married so we could load up on chores. We got married out of hope. We got married because we believed there was some kind of magic between us.”

Reading this quote makes me think of that popular series of books titled, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . It’s All Small Stuff. While I agree about the first half of the title, it’s the second half that’s missing the boat. Don’t sweat the small stuff, such as the dishes, that sitcom rerun, or even feeding the dog. (Just kidding, go ahead and feed Fifi.) But also remember it’s NOT all small stuff. Being sexually intimate with your spouse will bring more rewards, in all aspects of your life, over the long run.

Also know the time, energy, and knowledge you put into sex, will improve the results. In daily life, we take time to plan our dinner menus. We buy cookbooks and watch the Food Channel to learn to cook. We purchase the necessary ingredients ahead of time to create an enjoyable dining experience . . . why not put the same effort into cooking up something special in the bedroom?

I have been speaking and writing for years about how the overcommitted pace of American families is killing us socially, relationally, and psychologically. We are simply too busy. Many families I work with could easily cut out 50 percent of their activities and still be tired. That’s not an exaggeration. Most families who see me are often shocked at the way I can take a meat clever to their schedule.

When we live life at the pace of a NASCAR race, sex is one of the first things that goes. Once again, if you want to improve your sex life as a couple, you need to examine your relationship outside the bedroom. What are you doing that is keeping you from sexual intimacy?

Redbook magazine ran a poll on its Web site asking the question, “What would you do with an hour’s worth of free time?” Over ten thousand men and women responded. Eighty-five percent of men and 59 percent of women answered sex—wide majorities in both cases. Just 12 percent of women chose shopping or extra sleep, followed by watching TV, exercising, reading, and eating.

So . . . you could wait until daylight savings time for that extra hour, or you could do some rearranging with your schedule. (After all, you DO hold the key to your calendar, remember?)

And, while you’re at it, schedule the next interlude, and the next. Perhaps a heart on the bottom corner of your calendar would be a good symbol? If you did this, just imagine how easy it would be to get your mind and emotions ready. And think how connected you’ll feel with your spouse by the end of the month. Can’t you imagine the smiles?

4. Find Fulfillment
Finally take time to pause and truly appreciate the joy of sex, and the awe of what takes place as your body combines with that of your spouse.

God wants your sexual relationship to be an oasis for the two of you. He desires that the two of you find relief from routine and a refuge from stress by splashing around in springs of sexual refreshment. But if you are to discover the refreshment that sexual love can bring, it may require that you make a change in attitude (how you view your intimate times together) as well as changes in your environment (the place where you make love).

Maybe you decide to change your attitude or environment. Or prepare the field during the day. Or even pick up a book to give you tips and tricks. Or schedulle lovemaking into your calendar, the ultimate goal is fulfillment. Take time to enjoy it. Be refreshed. And before you flip off the light, look at the light in your spouse’s eyes and the smile on your spouse’s face. Also, take note of the peace and contentment in your own soul.

Now, wasn’t that worth it?
Yeah, I thought so.


© Tricia Goyer author of Generation NeXt Marriage
http://triciagoyer.com/nonfiction.html#GenerationNextMarriage