I have to admit I was (am) a fan of Jon and Kate. I didn't start watching it until last year, but I love the idea of big families, I was interested in how you "do life" with eight kids ... and (the #1 reason) those kids are just so darn cute.
I also have to admit that I've read numerous interviews with Jon and Kate and my heart is broken. I'm praying that they get back together and that their reconciliation will be a testimony to God. I think it's something we should all pray for.
On top of that, I have to say I'm not surprised. When I watched that family interacting on TV I did two things. 1. Cringe and 2. See Gen X. They are Gen Xers and nearly everything they do displays that. Their life, and their divorce in progress, displays that.
Gen Xers want to do it all and be the best at it. Viewers were often awed by how Kate held her world together. (I was.) Gen Xers need this gold star. They bask in the kudos. We were the little kids that tried to show our busy parents how smart, and talented, and wonderful we were. We often didn't get enough applause. The attention Jon and Kate got was a testimony to their Gen X-ness. Too bad they couldn't be perfect in the spotlight and under the pressure. I don't think anyone would be perfect under those circumstances. Watching the fall is hard. My heart hurts.
I was thinking all of these things over the last couple of weeks, and then this week's cover story on People Magazine proved my notion was true. (See - I need my gold stars too!) What does it say? "Kate Tells People: It Feels Like I Failed." Kate's heart is aching because her family is broken, but more than that she didn't get a gold star. Instead, she got a big, red check mark. Wrong. F. You flunked. FAILURE.
I talk about my own battles with my imperfections and my feelings of failure, in Blue Like Play Dough. For many years I tried to lead the perfect life. I cared for my husband and my kids. I homeschooled. I wrote parenting articles for goodness sake. My house was spotless. My smile was bright ... and I did it not for the joy those things brought me, but in fear that my imperfections would be found out ... that I'd miss the gold star. That someone would think I flunked out of the things that were the most important.
I wish I could go to coffee with Kate. The first thing I'd talk about is her need to respect Jon. (It's something I learned too and wrote about ... I'm not always right, but I often acted like I was. And when I forced my way without listening, I was showing disrespect--something he doesn't deserve.) The second thing I'd talk about is this deeper issue. It's the one involving Kate's heart.
Kate you are beautiful because God made you beautiful.
You won't reach perfection until heaven, no matter how hard you try.
Don't see yourself as a failure. See yourself as someone in need of God's shaping. We all need His shaping.
Place yourself in God's hands, He has something beautiful in mind.
99.9% of other women face the same struggles, worries, pain you do. You're not alone.
Love covers a multitude of sin.
Faith is believing in what's unseen. Even if you see no way for this marriage to be saved God does. Turn to Him.
And finally, from one Gen Xer to another ... I understand. I'm praying.
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23 comments:
Love this post and totally agree with you!
XO
Heather
Born in 1981, I am (depending on which source you read) at the tail end of GenX/early GenY I understand that need to feel validated. To feel like you are "perfect". It's painful at times.
I've never seen Jon & Kate. But I have been watching in the news and I pray for them too. And the children who are, no doubt going through a lot right now.
Wow! That was great. I feel like that all the time!
Yes! This post speaks to our reaction in this situation, as well as how we react to friends in similar situations! Regardless of what has happened to others, we must choose how to react. Will we react showing God's love with burdened hearts or with accusations, supporting them in feeling like they have failed?
Though I've never watched the show, I've heard of the recent breakup and feel compassion for this struggling family.
You make an excellent point, Tricia: too many moms feel overwhelmed by the pressure to be perfect; to be supermoms.
It's pandemic, I think, and the reason why I pen my tongue-in-cheek Bad Mom column, a weekly look at the silly things we worry make us bad mothers.
In my 22+ years of parenting, I've known mothers of every stripe--and virtually all of them have been amazing moms. We've all made mistakes and have room for improvement, but I think it's time we put aside the guilt and remember this: love never fails.
In the end. That's what it's all about.
I thought that what you would say to Kate, if you were sitting with her over coffee, was really good. I think so often we get hung up on the actions, and don't see what maybe is going on in the heart to lead to them. I think the respect issue is a huge one for a lot of women, including myself, and we live in such a culture that doesn't value respecting others or putting them above yourself, so we definitely don't see it lived out in front of us very often. But I'm glad you touched on that.
Thank you for this convicting post as I have yet to pray for them.. I just attached a link to this blog as I posted my comments on my blog! God bless
deb
As a Gen-Xer myself, it's good to be reminded of the pitfalls and lies our generation buys into. Trying to be perfect and overachieve is destructive. I struggle with it and beat myself up endlessly for not achieving what I thought I should. I also forget it is cultural and beat myself up more for being weird and flawed.
I liked the show and my heart hurts for the kids most of all.
I didn't realize this was a gen X thing but it fits me and I slip into that gen too born in 1980. Very interesting. Your words to Kate are soooo true.
I just want to scoop the whole family up and hug them. I can't do that, so I'll pray along side you. There are a lot of broken hearts in that family right now.
I'm not a GenXer and I totally disagree! I was born in 66 and am in the middle of a divorce because my husband cheated on me and I kicked him to the curb, and guess what I feel like I failed too! I have three beautiful daughters, and even knowing what I know I still have days when I feel that way. It is just a natural feeling. My EX was in the navy, gone for more than half of our 23 years, I homeschooled our kids for 7 years, did it all. It has nothing to do with God, it has to do with failing as a wife. When your spouse goes outside the marriage you can't help but feel that way. I think you'd be weird to not.
It's good to know that what we see in part, God sees as a whole. What we see as failure, He sees as an opportunity to draw closer to Him.
It's true, there are some marriages that end ... and sometimes a spouse doesn't have a choice in matter.
Yet, I also think we give up long before God is ready to throw in the towel. I don't think God's ready to give up on Jon and Kate's marriage ... even if they think divorce is the only answer.
God's first matter of business is always with our hearts. Once a heart is submitted to Him it's amazing how circumstances can change ...
They don't always change how we want them to ... but with God at work we often come out different, better, at the end.
Tricia,
You touched on something that I've wondered about with Jon and Kate. Why have they not sought out counseling? They've just thrown the marriage away like it was a disposable tissue, but we know that marriage takes work, and it's worth it.
With all the pressure they're under, some of it self-induced, it would seem to be a natural thing to seek help for coping.
Maybe Dr. Phil will do an intervention, or someone....
Thanks!
Craig Hardee
Before you judge or say what someone should or shouldn't do, walk in their shoes! Yes, marriage is hard work and divorce is not the answer, however living under the eye of the Paparazzi doesn't make it easy either. I lived in Ventura county just a hop, skip, and a jump from Hollywood and could drive down Hwy 1 and see the stars. They don't get a break. Jon and Kate were just a family who chose to let cameras into their daily life. I don't believe either one of them had an inkling of a thought of what would happen. They were no longer Jon and Kate with the kids, they were JON AND KATE PLUS 8! You try just going about your daily life and having everything filmed, scrutinized etc. It's not fair, or right. And then to have "Christians" rip them apart HOW DARE YOU!
I'm not sure how it seemed I was ripping them apart. Actually, I thought I was trying to relate that it's hard enough trying to be perfect in life ... and I couldn't imagine trying to do it in front of millions of fans.
I was also trying to say that no matter what tough stuff we face that God desires us to draw close to Him. And even if the circumstances don't change we change inside when we draw close.
Honestly, I've made so many mistakes in my life I'd never want to rip anyone apart. I know how horrible it is to think you've failed, and I hope Kate knows that just because she feels like a failure doesn't mean she is one.
First, I want to say I love your post. Many great points... It is SO unfortunate that the world has been able to watch the deterioration of this family. I feel for Kate because alllll of her faults have been magnified simply because she is the most dominant of the two parents in this family.
To add to what you wrote, I think one another thing that is becoming a HUGE problem in families now is that we (women) are starting to take over our husband's role as head of the household. Jon seemed to have his tail tucked between his legs... because Kate insisted on always taking charge. Yes, many people will argue that if she didn't things would fall apart, but I think that's an over-dramatization. Men have an inherent need to be in charge of their families. The Bible gives the man dominion over his family. When we take that away from him, I can't say that I am surprised he is out searching for situations he CAN be in control of. Not that it is *right* but if you aren't trying to focus your energy on your husband's need to have his role appreciated in his family, then someone else will. Sad, but true. Kate needs to step back and let Jon be more of a counterpart than a backup.
I have been watching Jon and Kate since the begining. Seeing this past season and hearing of their upcoming divorce breaks my heart. I keep praying for them....and will continue to do so.
I really enjoyed your post and cant wait to read more from you.
Great post, Tricia. I admit, I'm sick to death of all the Jon and Kate stuff out there. It really makes me sick to see people on the outside playing this awful blame game with their marriage.
But I love a lot of what you have to say, so I decided to read your post, and I agree wholeheartedly. Honestly, I think a lot of the criticisms of Jon and Kate are also very GenX. So demanding in all of our perfection that it's no wonder this poor couple buckled under the pressure. As a public, we demand things of people that are totally unfair. I am also praying for them, and for their kids.
@Andi: As much as I agree with the points you're trying to make, you must realize that they chose to be in the spotlight... they made a choice for their lives to be subject to public scrutiny... It's not fair or right for them to have their daily lives filmed & scrutinized? On the contrary, that's exactly what they signed up for when they signed a contract for $75,000 PER EPISODE *then did over 100 of them - you do the math* ...
Analyzing observations made over the course of the show is not judging this family. There are a lot of things that can be learned by the mistakes we witnessed in watching this family. If you believe otherwise, you're not being honest with yourself. There were many things that *could* have been done differently. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
That being said, I think you read this post completely wrong as she definitely said nothing to rip this family apart. She did a very good job of writing an HONEST, sincere post through which she identified with Kate, revealed some lessons she learned the hard way personally, and expressed her desire to encourage Kate if she could have the opportunity to sit down with her for coffee. As women, we need to put our PRIDE down and be willing to take notes from those who are concerned and have experienced similar situations rather than taking offense every time someone tries to reveal something to us out of love.
Love your post, Tricia! If I wasn't holding this little one and wasn't typing with one hand, I'd write more! Your post echo my thoughts!
Warmly,
Kennisha
I really enjoyed this post, although I don't and have never watched the show (we don't have cable or satt) I have heard of the divorce and it is sad. Divorce should never be an option for Christians - at least in my point of view although if my DH hadn't divorced his wife we wouldn't be married with three (so far) wonderful blessings from the Lord.
That said I can only imagine how hard it would be to live in the lime light and the pressure they felt. I was born in 1978 and was raised in a family where mom 'ruled' and I saw feminism everywhere I struggle daily with letting my husband be in charge and being respectful (I am not perfect) but having come back to Christ I now know my place and try (and often fail) my best to be a Godly wife. It's hard and it's only by His Grace that one day I will be called blessed.
I am looking forward to reading your book, Blue Like Playdough, for the tour by Waterbrook - I pray it will help me in my walk.
homeschoolblogger.com/OhioSarah
quivermom.blogspot.com
I left a rather long comment and for some reason, it didn't post. So sorry about that...but I really liked your post and thought you very lovingly related to Kate. I have never been in her situation, but I think all of us on at least some level have felt like a failure...and my heart breaks for her too...not because I think she is hopeless or a failure...
This blog is wonderful. You are right both Jon and Kate need to place their life in the hands of God. By their books, it looked like they were looking in the right direction but Satan got a hold of their lives. They need to come back to God. Thank you for this writing.
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